It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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