My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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