I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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