im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
