Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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