Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
