Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Randomize
