his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
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I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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