Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
