my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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