Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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