Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
