I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
