It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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