don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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