triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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