I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
