Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
