Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
