Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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