Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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