we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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