remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
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she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
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I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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