i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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