i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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