thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
