my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?