i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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