watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
