I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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