everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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