My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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