his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
