She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
