I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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