the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
