I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
