I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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