he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
