This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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