i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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