Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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