There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
