she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
