I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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