She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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