Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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