i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
