Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
