I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
