I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
