I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
