Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
