she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
