I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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