who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize