He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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