dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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