Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
