mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
