Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
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