Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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