I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
