No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
