its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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